Polar, I have not deleted my blog today.
I made it a year.
I have kept a journal of sorts, for 365 days…
No, I didn’t expect to make it that long.
When I started this adventure, I was hoping to practice my writing, learn how to write in a way that was assessable, and find ways to express my journey through this Labyrinth of my life.
I had planned to give it One year, and then close it down. Move on to other endeavors, new horizons.
Today marks that year.
I have found that I am getting more comfortable with the way I write.
Perhaps I have found the cadence I was looking for?
I still prefer Oral discourse, I think I am better at conveying my thoughts in a verbal conversation, then I ever will be with typed words.
I can’t see the look on your face as you read this, See that Hunh? that tells me I left out something. I can’t see you nodding your head, so I know that You have grasped my meaning. I can not reach out and touch you to send my compassion through my finger tips.
A word weaver, perhaps I will never be, but I have learned a lot.
It has been a very growing experience for me, I have learned so much about the way I write and what people take away with them from my writing. I have learned that even though I am a hermit, I still enjoy the interaction and conversations that go on here in the blog world.
I have found so many wonderful writers, so many seraphic spirits with so much to share , in the world wide web.
These days I am fishing in the lake of dreams. Lost trying to recognize that face of Nimue, and reconcile her with in myself. I don’t have any words to lay out, I am more caught inside.
I did not delete this blog today as I once intended, it stays here as a testament to my own grail. Will I write more?
~shrug~
time will tell…
In the interim I am here……
The deleted Blog
The inner nag
I am standing in a crowd at the gallery, I have two pieces in this exhibit. I spent most of the day nagging myself into coming. I really really didn’t want to.
I brought along my friend, usually she is a good buffer, she is androgynous and fierce enough to send most socialites running. Today, however, she’s tired. It’s been a long week for her, so she is standing, leaning against the wine table.Then she is gone.
I have this smile plastered on my face. It’s my social smile.
I am listening to a woman who wants to be heard, she wants to tell me all about her aesthetic tastes, and her collection of art from all over the world. I am smiling and nodding.
smiling and nodding…
smiling…
nodding…
when she see’s someone else she knows and moves off.
I hear a voice behind me say ” Your eyes give you away , still!” and I turn and find a familiar face.
I am in her embrace before another moment is spent.
“What in the world?” I say” I never expected to see you here!”
“ME?” she laughs ” are you out of your mind?What the hell are you doing here? You know you will never sell anything to these elitist snobs. These people wouldn’t know good Art if it bit them on the ass.”
The tension drains away as I chuckle. ” Yeah, I know, but I have my reasons.”
She raises an eyebrow ” ooooh….This sounds juicy ! Give!”
and I am still chuckling because she always makes me laugh.
” I am trying to talk the director into having a charity auction. ” I confess with a shrug.
” Sorry love, Never happen, not unless it’s one of their own little pet charities.” she shakes her head at me. ” These people only do what looks good, not what is good.”
Disheartened, I ask her why she is here, this isn’t her kind of show, her kind of place. She explains that she is local visiting a friend, and came with them because the friend of a friend has some pieces. So we wander over and she shows them to me.
“Not my taste” I smile and shrug at her.
“That’s because you have taste honey!” she hugs me close.
She is a gem. One of those people who speaks there mind, and like myself, tends to be a hermit. We met years ago at the grand opening of a small country Art store in the middle of no where, and just realized we were kindred spirits. She teases me and tells me I should have worn a moon stone tonight because of lammas, and the new moon. I tease her and tell her I am wearing a bowl to remind me to make the best of whatever tonight brings me. “AND look! your in my bowl!”
We visit for most of the show, and she does a wonderful job keeping me safe.
Before I leave I hunt down the director and ask her about the charity auction. I am still trying to raise money for COAR. She gives me a song and dance about how the board is in ‘flux’ right now, and it’s just not a good time to be raising money for places outside the country…blah blah blah.
It’s a long drive home. I spend a lot of it emptying out of the yuck I always feel when I go to a show where I wear a veneer.
My emotions are always there in my warm gray eyes, tonight they are tired, a bit sad, a bit happy.
Today.
“You know what the cool thing about being an alien is Momma? They don’t have eyes! so they can get where ever they want just by the way the air feels….like this…”
Then she proceeds to bump into the furniture, trip over the dog, land on her bum and come up laughing.
“Do Aliens eat Ice cream? ” I ask.
“Only if they have vanilla with pink sprinkles, chocolate sauce and fresh blueberries” she sings…
“hmmmm think you need to have some ice cream…”
Then the 15 year old booms from some where up stairs “Can I have some too?”
“Only if your an Alien!” I holler back at him.
and then I laugh myself silly,because, of course, he is.
Thank you Fire Byrd…
How do I write this post?
I have been trying for days in my head.
nothing comes out right,
nothing says what I want it to.
It sounds like a stroke fest,
it sounds like dribble…
it doesn’t sound the way it was.
What to do when you can not find the words?
Maybe there aren’t any words.
Perhaps, when you are fortunate enough to have an experience which allows you to grow,
when you have a moment of connection that feels like magic,
Your not suppose to have the words.
Maybe your suppose to hold it in your heart, and treasure it for the magnificent gift it is.
Perhaps when I say “thank you”, she hears all the other meanings I can not find the words for.
I shall just have to trust
that she does.
What’s in the bowl…
I sit here trying to uncoil.
Trying to relax and breath through the pain, the sorrow.
After years of learning, what the difference is, and what the difference makes, I still have a hard time with acceptance.
“The courage to accept the things I can not change”
I always felt that it’s not courage, it’s more like Grace.
Courage has me doing what’s right in the face of fear, Grace has me in a place of love and understanding, doing what is on faith.
The teen is home.
I struggle to find the words to express the gifts she brought with her visit.
I listened to her with out judgement,
I made no attempts to counsel,
I answered only those questions put to me.
I cried a lot.
Mine is a marshmallow heart, especially where kids are concerned.
We did some really fun stuff, and I know she loved every minute of it.
Things I take for granted in my day to day living, were so new , so fascinating to her.
She made it fun for my kids too.
The look on her face when she caught her first fish! ( a 14 inch Bass)
Her biting into a honey comb fresh from the hive.
Her streaking up the beach to dance from foot to foot ” I dug a hole and something crawled in it!” a quick reassuring smile and back down to the waters edge.
Teaching her the names of the herbs in my garden, and having her pick the ones that went into my spaghetti sauce. ( the peanut explaining how much of each tastes best)
It was a sweet time, and I am so very glad she came.
On the last day I offered her anything she wanted from my shelves of finished pottery. I told her it didn’t matter if it had a price tag, it didn’t matter what it was, I simply wanted her to take something for herself that she would like. ( I knew most of the things she had made would go to her family she is one of 5 and has a step on both sides. She also possess a very giving heart)
She had a little pile going while trying to decide, when she found a pendant that had a small bowl on the end of it.
“What’s this?” she asked.
So I explained to her , how several years ago I was fortunate to meet some Tibetan monks who were traveling and making Mandalas. I got into some really wonderful conversations with one of them. Then later I read a book that spoke of how these monks would go into the street with a bowl, a begging bowl. They would take whatever was put into their bowl and make dinner out of it. I was inspired to make these tiny bowls on cords as a reminder that every day life puts something in your bowl, and what ever that something is, it’s up to you to use it to nourish your mind, your body or your spirit.
She poked around a little more and then slowly everything started making it’s way back on the shelf, with the exception of that pendant.
She said ” This is what I want, because this is you. You do this, you make the best of everything. When we got lost in the city, you stopped for Ice cream and directions and had a blast laughing with that man. When I asked to go see the birthplace of Harriet Tubbman and it was just a sign in the middle of no where , you laughed and took my picture in front of the corn fields.”
I nodded smiled and said” I hope you enjoy it”,
…then I promptly went up to the bathroom and cried like a baby.
Here I am seeing myself through this kids eyes, and it’s humbling.
Then I get the call, she is home. I hear how all the lovingly made gifts where totally trashed. That they weren’t “enough”, and she feels guilty for not doing enough, or thinking about what some one else might want. So she gave away the pendant, to make a false amend.
I breath slowly through her hurt, and wonder will she make it? Will she grow up to repeat the cycle of ” not worthy enough”? Then I let it it go, because it’s not mine to own.
She gave me my gifts, they were love, laughter and a wonderful set of memories to pull out and laugh with my kids about in the years to come. Those gifts I keep in my bowl.
I am mailing this to her...
Busy…but SWEET!
If I said i was really really busy..
well…
that would be close.
I haven’t been around much, but you have all been in my thoughts…
Saw some Mig clouds…
had a wonderful laugh with a man in a coffee shop in DC (Ron wanna be)
Heard some awesome tunes on the radio in MD..
stuck my feet in the surf and laughed with some gulls..
just enjoying spending time with the kids…
you’ll see me again…
but right now
life is sweet…
and time is precious…
so hug someone, and know that you are loved.
Mud honeys & Love
The teen is settling in , I think she is just so over whelmed at how slow and quiet it is here. ( although my peanut has a bad case of heroine worship!)
We went and bought her a couple books, she was very lost last night , we don’t have TV, and we just kinda hang out and talk a lot. So she is set for dark time tonight.
I have discovered another Mud Honey, as she was thrilled to play in the clay. Didn’t seem to mind being covered in it, just full of laughs and smiles!
She is out picking herself some green beans to make for her dinner.
The things kids find fun…
And on a very happy note I fired off a check today to COAR for there peace mission!( I will be keeping them as my Charity at the shop through the next quarter.)
A HUGE THANK YOU!!!
to everyone who came to the Labyrinth of life shop and bought things to help this cause, your kindness makes a world of difference in the life of a child!
Blessed Be
Sorrow
In Loving Memory of Maxine
Maxine was a found in a truck stop in south-east Texas. She was 3 years old approximately and weighed 19 lbs., she had mange and heart worm. A profoundly caring man, and friend, rescued her and nursed her back to health. She was in a loving home with 3 other dogs ( all rescues) and was rocking in at over 60 pounds in a little more than 4 months.
She died today.
please spare a moment for her savior, who made her last few months good, and please
take an extra second, the one you might have used for a comment and go here
Animal Rescue
to provide care for a homeless pup.
Thanks…
Smorgasbord
~giggle~
okay, there is something about the word “Smorgasbord” that just makes me laugh. It’s a funny word to me…
From the dictionary Smorgasbord means:
1. a buffet meal of various hot and cold hors d’oeuvres, salads, casserole dishes, meats, cheeses, etc.
2. an extensive array or variety.
I am going for Number 2 here today.
I was recently given 2 ( can you believe it???) awards. See me doing little happy dance in my chair. The thing about awards is it’s a lot like getting a surprise package in the mail. I don’t think I did anything to deserve them, but There they are!
The first one was from the moonlit home of Goldenferi
and a thoughtful and loving gift it was. Thank you so much, It’s always a bit of moonshine to visit your world!
.
.
“Share this award with all those blogs out there that you love. All the people who make you smile. All those that make you laugh. All those that make your day. All those that leave uplifting comments on your blog.”
There are so many folks who do this, who brighten my day, make me smile and just feel as though they care, it is very hard not just to hand to all of you , so To all who come here, please take this award and place it on your desk top for a couple days, and know that here, at my space, you bring a whole lot of smiles! Then feel free to do with it as you will, pass it ,share it!
I am going to make sure a few folks however DO THIS! because I know that if I don’t actually hand this to them, they will do the whole shrinking violet thing and think “oh she doesn’t mean me..”
The rest of you I have complete faith in..
LOL
~chuckle~
~snort~
For the LOVE,
Chantal
Gypsy heart
Polar
MEL
Mig
For the LAUGHTER
RON
Nytebryd
Now the rest of you I trust will Take this and at least smile over it once or twice..
Right???
The second award I received was from Exmoorjane
Can you imagine my surprise? It’s a shiny award to be sure!
Now this award has a few rules that comes with it, so if you want to know all the rules , go check out Jane’s Blog , because I am a slow cut and paster, but the #1 rule said 1. You have to pick five blogs that you consider ‘deserving of this award for their creativity, design, interesting material, and which contribute to the blogging community, no matter what language they are in’.
So, I taken a bit of wisdom from Jane’s words “This always worries me because the danger lies in an award just doing the rounds with one’s nearest and dearest blogging friends. So I have tried to venture a little further afield in the sure and certain knowledge that all deserving souls will eventually be handed it.”
That being said…
1. Coffee house studio, for it’s finding bits of news that make the web, and placing them in a special space , for his humor and generosity of spirit. ( and most of all is Friday morning spontaneous Apple creations… )
2. The stitching room,The cozy home of Mel, the little green monkey, who always brings me a laugh. A place filled with sewing wonders that have inspired me to spend more time making little snips of love, and photo’s of her world that look like postcards that scream “wish I was there!!”
3.Bimbimbie, whose blog reminds me of “where the wild things are”! I love going here because it’s like looking at the diary of a wildlife caretaker. There are the deep sighs of awe, at all the wonderful visitors to her world.
4. Sanity found, a recent add to my roll, that is part of my daily dose of sarcasm, world view, humor, and perspective check.
5. Diamonds in the sky with Lucy, I can not describe this blog very well,I sat here looking for the words, and couldn’t really find them. So I just suggest you take a peek.
I also received an email today, Brandi, over at Dandelion seeds was auctioning off some of her Beautiful art, and I was the lucky recipient of one of her photo’s! Now how cool is that? This one is a doorway, or should I say a door that is closed. I fell in love with the idea that Brandi was opening the door to possibilities for girls in other countries by providing them with an education! How incredible is that? I have a very special place in my home I intend to hang it, to remind myself to always be open to possibilities! Thank you so much Brandi!
Last on my plate of things is I want to share a very special place with you.
This may not be for everyone, it is the deep soul searching of a woman. It often feels as if I am reading someones very personal journal when I go there. Sometimes the way she writes brings tears to my eyes, and sometimes she hits a spot so deep inside, I ache.
So for the searchers please go here to Honor Yourself..
I have a young girl coming to stay with me for several weeks, she comes with a lot of pain, and heart ache. I have opened my home to her to be a place of rest, a place of play. I am putting my struggles up on the shelf for now. Her needs out weigh my own right now and I have committed myself to being present for her. So if I am not around commenting or posting much..that old plate of mine has a heavy load.
Be good to yourself…
